FROM KATRINA TO RITA .....just blame the women

I'VE HAD A TOTALLY STRESSED-OUT, FRUSTRATING WEEK. There, Ive said it. Just want to scream as it seems, to me anyway, that there is something wrong with time itself. And, here I'll explain why I feel like this.

Recently I've moved from my home with a very large yard to a very small apartment. Now, having no yardwork to deal with....having no home with 8 rooms/garage/garden to clean and tend to.....having (sob,sob) no pets to care for any longer you would THINK that I would have more than enough time to do what I enjoy, to work, to relax, to visit family & friends ! ! !

Initially after the move, I found myself bored beyond belief. It was the end of the winter season and I thought I'd need to find something to occupy my free time with. Well, I decided for one thing, I would volunteer at the local animal shelter. They are in need of dog walkers and I miss having a pet (especially a dog) more than you can imagine. So I called to volunteer. But, before arranging for times to volunteer the universe kicked in with a whole lotta issues to deal with (Go Figure!!).

To start with, my elderly mother broke her hip and needed an unimaginable amount of care and encouragement during her 9 week stay at the hospital and in rehab. Also, once home - with 24 hour care needed - the issue of assisting mom is only just easing up a bit.

Then there is my son who has Down's Syndrome. Moving into the city (even a small one) apparently has it's issues. A friend of his (and he doesn't have too many) has gotten him involved with an unsavory crowd. ((unlike living out in the country, where being home alone after school was a worry for me..........living here in the city, where he can go out and walk about and find trouble is also going to be a different kind of worry for me)). And, because he is a rather 'high-functioning' young man, he lives between the worlds of the disabled and the normal. He actually does not fit into either and I worry that because he struggles to be like the rest of the world, he will step into a trap, all laid out for him by the psychopaths of the normal world.

Single motherhood simply sucks. There is no difference whether you have children who are disabled or 'normal'. The pitfalls in todays world are boundless. And, I don't know how new mothers will cope in the future, once their children are grown and out on their own.

Third, my ex-husband, who is an alcoholic, and whom I have tried to maintain a civil relationship with for the sake of the children, is having major problems maintaining his sobriety. So that everytime he falls off the 'wagon', so to speak, the kids feel a major disappointment and I am torn emotionally wanting to cut off all ties permanently. But that is, and has been, a difficult thing to do since he still wants to see his son and his son misses his dad alot. UGH.

Well, back to the TIME issue. All of a sudden the summer season has gone and I have done nothing but run myself ragged between issues around my mother, my son, my ex, and the normal life stuff like work, birthdays, family gatherings, my dance class (I love swing and country line dancing).

The time has just flown by. Now I do understand that as you get older (and I am 57), that time does go faster. But this is just downright rediculous. And when I do find time to relax, I feel this GUILT feeling come over me, telling me I should be doing something.

Well, enough of my complaining. Although, sometimes it feels good to get an issue out in the open. TIME, apparently, is my issue. Hope I learn to deal with it successfully.

~ The Mediator

THE HORROR'S OF KATRINA

Finally I had to break away from the tv news and radio commentators who have not stopped talking about the Hurricane called Katrina.

Although I don't know anyone personally who has either lived through this nightmare or not survived the unbelievable terror of the situation, I cannot help but wonder WHY, WHY, WHY was help soooooo long in coming to those who were not able to leave New Orleans and other cities and towns.

WHY is it that most of the people I'm seeing left behind appear to be poor, black, elderly, disabled...........are these supposedly dispensable human beings. Is this someone's way of saving the go-ver-ment money, thinking when they are no longer a burden to taxpayers, we will all benefit???

WHY were picture of white people shown with food/water taken from stores with quotes like "found these items" and then the pictures of blacks with the same items having a quote "looting" ???

WHY are individuals who have survived what can only be imagined an unbelievably traumatic event, now be labeled 'refugees' when they are actually 'homeless' ???

WHY are many americans finding it hard to reach out to these frightened, tired, people. At least that's my perspective at this moment??? When the tsunami hit back in December '04 people I knew said they couldn't wait to donate to the red cross or some other clinton/bush website to help those in need. But today, all I seem to be hearing from those same people are things like "Why didn't those people get out when they could?, Why don't they just leave the area?, Don't they have relatives that can take them in??? It seems that the media has made the survivors seem like a great inconvenience to the rest of us. Dunno. Just bothers me that no one seems too eager to donate this time.


Hoping you and yours are safe,
~ The Mediator

LOOK FOR A WAY TO MAKE YOUR LIFE GRAND

The title of this blog was something I read this morning. It was a story of a man who was in such despair that he contemplated suicide. As fate would have it, he happened to pick up a book on self-confidence and, after reading this book, decided to look for a way to make his life grand. Now I don't know whether this story is true or not, but I do have some experience with self-confidence and the lack thereof.

Some years ago I went back to work after the children were older. I happened to secure a job at a doctor's office. I was only going to work two days a week ..... seemed perfect, except for one thing ~ I had never worked in this type of setting before.

The girl who was going to train me was wonderful. Our first day together she basically showed me how the schedule worked, the phones, the files, confidentiality, etc., and it was a small physicians office. I thought that working with Coleen would be just perfect. My second day on the job, Coleen told me she had just given her notice ..... I would be the only person in the office effective my next time in. Holy Batman! ! this was NOT what I expected to do. How could I run the office??

My next day at work, I seemed to be very tense and went through the motions of answering the phone, greeting patients, taking medical information, scheduling appointments, etc. As the day wore on, I kept hearing a voice (not literally) saying over and over that "you can't do this, you'll screw up, you should just leave." And I was contemplating telling the doctor at the end of the day that this would be my last time here.

Fortunately for me, the transcriptionist (one who types all the doctor's medical notes on the patients) saw how worried I seemed to be and said: "Just act like you know what you're doing.", and with just that one sentence, it changed my life and made me a very valuable employee.

Just act like you know what you're doing. Doesn't matter the situation. When you feel like you can't cope or your self confidence is waining..............just do it.

This may help, may not. Just my thought for the day.

~ The Mediator

MaMa's Gotta Brand New Hip !

This is just a small rant about what is going on in my life right now.

As part of the baby boom generation, I am finding myself in between two generations that need my assistance.

There is my mother, who is 81 years old. Just broke her hip. Needs lots of home care ~ actually 24 hour care. Then there is my son, soon to turn 21, who has Down's Syndrome. Needs lots of home care ~ actually 24 hour care. Do you see a pattern here??? My life has been full of patterns. And, most of them have been so obvious that you can't miss them.

Let's start with Boyfriend#1. His mother didn't like me. She didn't know me, but just refused to acknowledge my being. Boyfriend#1 also had a sister Mary who didn't like me. Also, she didn't know me either, but was partnering up with her mom. OK....I moved on and then enters Boyfriend#2.

Well, Boyfriend#2 had a mother who didn't like little ole me either (now, I'm really a terriffic person....not too loud, not too pretty, not too funny...just a great human being). And, this Boyfriend#2 also had a sister Mary who, like her mother, refused to speak to me and/or acknowledge my presence when I was visiting their home. Now, you think I would have picked up on something STRANGE going on in my universe. But, Boyfriend#2 went away after college and joined the Service. We broke up. Enter Boyfriend #3.

At this point in my life, I'm older, I'm wiser, ` ` ` ` NOT. Well, when I finally went home to meet Boyfriend#3's parents, the mother did all she could to tell me HER SON was not ready for any commitments. HER SON was going on to further his education. HER SON was the apple of her eye and he could do no wrong ~ ~ ~ except by dating me. And guess what, Boyfriend#3's sister was named Mary. I never made the connection. It's true, LOVE IS BLIND.

If there's anyone out there with a similar circumstance, or who'se found repeating patterns in their lives, please let me know. This is just tooooo bizzzzzarre to be for real.

I married Boyfriend#3 and unfortunately it did not last even though I gave it my best shot over and over, and over, and over. Congratulations go out to Mother and Mary for sabotaging (???spelling???) the relationship. What did happen though was that I gave birth to two wonderful children, whom I adore with all my heart and soul.

~ The Mediator

Things That Make You 'Think' (or, why didn't I ever know this before)

As the stress of our daily lives continues to build (or maybe I need to state "my daily life"), frustration and anxiety sometimes comes creeping into my mind at the oddest of times.

Don't know about you, but if you do any reading on the net of the different news articles and then go and listen to your local/national news on television - - they don't match. Not only do they differ in content, the 'talking heads' seem to only focus on an individual issue. That issue, usually has nothing to do with our (l) economy (2) the w..a..r. ((otherwise known as 'We..Are..Right)), (3) national security/homeland security/borders or (4) what our senators and prez are doing for us/US citizens. Actually we do know what (4) is doing, they are vacationing ! !

After reading several articles today, I have realized that those in power/govmet are only using us as human cattle. And what do we do with cattle, why we slaughter them and eat them. Does anyone ever worry about cattle. NO ! ! We just think of better ways to serve them up on our dinner plates. And today, that's what I feel our world is doing to us humans ..... serving us up as a blue plate specialty. There are so many of us, we need to get rid of the overstock. OK, then what's the best way to do that ..... war, famine, war, disease, war, famine, disease and WAR.

So, here's my statement for today: STOP ACTING LIKE CATTLE. Turn off your TV, your CELL PHONES, stop waiting for someone else to help you. HELP YOURSELF. DO SOMETHING.

If you find yourself in a situation/position where you feel that all is lost and you cannot move or think because of the horror surrounding you, then you must DO something. Get up, go for a walk, call a hotline, hug your child, stop interracting with the demon in your life.

Then go read these articles. Guaranteed you'll feel depressed. But at least you'll know the truth. You'll know that you really are cattle. Some of us are Cattle and maybe some of us are Ca'telle. But whoever you think you are on the ladder of life, chew on this.........

Be Brave. DO ! !
~ The Mediator

DID I JUST WAKE UP (or, exactly what reality am I in?)

Somehow with all the horror going on in the world around us, the issue of 911 keeps coming back to the forefront. This is something I have read about and continue to think about, especially when it's back 'in your face' time with terror bombings popping up all over the world.

So today, I looked at this flash presentation of the 'Pentagon Strike'. I would suggest if you haven't seen it, to take a look at this out-of-the-ordinary film. It took my computer a few minutes to download. Don't be discouraged - the wait is very worth it.

See what you think. See what your brain tells you. Then, you'll get creeped out, just like I did.

OK, fwiw: http://www.pentagonstrike.co.uk/flash.htm#Preloader

~ The Mediator

ps. I've got a sick child at home, a mom who is hospitalized, and this, supposedly, is my vacation time ! ! !
Being a single mom can truly sometimes challenge the crapola out of a person.

TO CONINUE MY "CIRCLE OF LIFE" STORY

In a previous post on "Finding Grandfather Tree", I left off where the old oak tree gave me a picture of a supposed life-past. A story so true to that present-day experience, that it literally gave me a much clearer picture of my life .... as-it-was. And, this is the story I was given by Grandfather Tree, my friend.

Even as I ran home, trying to capture the entire story that had unfolded in my brain in a matter of seconds, I was loosing the complete and exact picture of the life that was shown to me. To this day, I cannot account why this happened or how it happened. It has never happened since. I ran as quick as I could down the hill, dodging briars and some mushy, squishy underground streams of water that snaked through the field below. As I arrived home, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began writing this 'gift' of a story given to me.

I was an Indian Maiden, a Medicine Woman who was out gathering herbs for my medicine
pouch. This was something that I did daily and I had come to rest below a great Oak Tree
to observe the 'farmer' and his family. They were settlers, and the farmer had a wife who
was pregnant and a young child.

Apparently I enjoyed sitting and watching the activities of this family. It was a different
way of life than I had known and I was mostly curious about the people who lived
below my wonderful Oak Tree, and their behaviors.

One day, I noticed that the pregnant woman did not come out of her house and that the
farmer was obviously distraught (I don't know how I knew this, but I did). Wanting to
be of help (and deep down I knew that I should not interfere, I knew that the Tribe
would, if they found out, find fault with my actions and there would be consequences),
I left my Oak Tree and walked down through the briars and field to the farm below.

Upon meeting the farmer and hearing his story about his wife and that she was very
ill, I offered to help with my medicines. But the pregnant wife died and I apparently
felt very sorry for the farmer.

Daily I would return to the farmer and over time, fell in love and became pregnant.
When the Tribe discovered my 'situation', ((and this part I'm not exactly sure that I
remember it correctly)) attacked the farmer and killed him and his young child.

As for me, I was banished from the Tribe, in that I was given a lodge/tepee aside from
all of my tribe people. They forbade anyone to speak to me, but just bring me food
and water and wood for heat. When my child was born, there apparently was a
defect that was noticeable. The elders took the child and left him outside exposed to
the elements and animals. The baby died. I was distraught. Then I made the
decision not to live. So, I stopped eating and eventually passed on.

Now how did this life correlate to my present life situation. Well, the Tribe turns out to be my in-laws, who lived up the street.......remember I lived on a street, a dead-end street, with only three homes on it, mine, my husband's parents and his two brothers, and my sister-in-law's home and her family. And remember, no one in this family liked me (their dislike for me was never a spoken thing), and this in-law family of mine didn't speak to me - except for the occasional 'hi'. When my husband and my children and I moved onto this street, I was terrified that I would die (had no rational reason except that I did know they disliked me, and I was also worried that his family would take my children from me --- literally I did fear that ! !). I could not eat (everything gave me terrible indigestion and made my heart race) and, being 5'9" my weight dropped to 116 lbs. I really looked like 'death warmed over'. Plus, my youngest child, my son was born with a disability. My husband was literally incapable of confronting his family about the terrible situation they were putting me/my family through by their hurtful actions. Never, did anything change. NEVER.

I remember the first summer we lived on this dead-end street. My husband, daughter and I were going to go to the ocean for a few days vacation. I was going to leave my then 4 year old disabled son with my in-laws while we were away. I was actually looking forward to having a break from him (my son) as he took up all my time (24/7).

That night, while we were dining at a great seafood restaurant in Maine, out of the blue I became terrified. I had a panic attack during the meal and had to walk out of the restaurant. That night, my terror was so magnified that I told my family we had to go home, that if I stayed where we were I would die. So, we left Maine and went home, with me sitting in the back seat of the car crying. Funny too, there was a full-moon out that night.

From that time on, things between my husband and myself went/spiraled downward.........that was 16 years ago.
But I was able to change the course of events, to CHANGE MY STARS, so to speak.

......To be continued
~ The Mediator

AS THE WORLD BURNS (or, this isn't another one of your mother's hotflashes !)

Today, the local temperature is going to reach into the 90's, but with the so-called 'heat index' will feel more like it is in the 100's. This has been going on for sometime now, insufferable heat and humidity.

It is 8:30 AM eastern time. Even the birds aren't singing this morning. Very strange not to hear the early risers chattering about. I'm hot, hot, hot (whew !). Got a few fans blowing the air around. And, I do have air conditioning, but really dislike the artificial cold climate they produce. I guess I am becoming 'my mother', in that I am quite stubborn about certain things in my life ! ! !

Actually, I thought I was over with my womanly advertures of 'hotflashes'. But lately, I can't tell whether it is heat affecting my body from outside of it OR heat radiating from inside the body OR heat coming from somewhere in the ethers warning me of impending doom and dread. Maybe it's all three. Maybe it's something I need to ponder further, to discern what is real in my personal environment or what is just an illusion of time and space.

To say that I've been away from my little blog for some time now is an understatement. It's been about two months. During that time, my mother has been hospitalized. She broke her hip, something I thought only happened to old timers. But, at 81, I guess she is now a grande dame. Funny, but the day she fell and broke her hip, I had been visiting her earlier and told her she needed a walker to steady herself and I was going to look into getting her one. Weird as it was, my exact words to her were: "You don't want to fall down and break your hip and his your head." About four hours later, she did just that, fell and broke her hip AND hit her head. Falling and hitting her head was something she had done twice previously in her life. When she fell, they were unable to operate the next day as she developed pneumonia and surgery was put off for a week, while she lay in bed drugged and miserable. Now recovery is a V E R Y long process. Doctor said for every day in bed, it is a month recovery.

Back to the heat......and it's not just the weather I'm refererring to. But the climate of opressive worry/fear that I see all around me. For sometime I was able to just observe what has been going on in government, in the media, in the world and felt detached, as if it would NEVER, NEVER affect me and my family.

Much to my horror, that detached feeling has slipped away. For the last couple of weeks, I have felt an internal heat, a heaviness about my physical being, a sense of someone or something just behind me waiting to push me off a cliff. It's quite creepy and has become a bit depressing. It's a bit like watching a movie where there is alot of tension and mayhem. You know when the movie is done, you can relax, breathe again, and the fear the movie created within you will subside in a short-time. THIS FEELING I HAVE WILL NOT GO AWAY, or maybe I should say, has not gone away. I'm still hoping it will leave me.

So what have I been doing to change this 'thing' in my life, this feeling of depression, of doom 'n gloom. You'll laugh out loud if I tell you. OK, here goes.........I've been buying instant soups. Going to the grocery store and buying dried soup mixes and coming home and storing them for use. Don't know why I have this urge TO DO this, but I do, and I am.

Maybe it's from reading all this Alternative News on the web. Maybe it's from watching the news on TV. Maybe it's from reading too many blogs! ! Maybe it's from an internal warning signal ... like the one that blasts out of your radio or tv when they test the "Early Warning Signal". Maybe it's because there has been four years of drastic and dramatic changes in our politico environments worldwide. Maybe because I've just woken up, realized I'm in OZ, and it's not a wonderful place to be. Or, maybe, just maybe I'm tired. Who knows. But I have lots of soup in case of company ! ! !

~ The Mediator

FINDING GRANDFATHER TREE

A RESTRAINING ORDER was taken out on my husband. If you have never been through something like that, it is very emotionally draining. Living in a town where everyone knows or is connected to everyone, you know that when something happens, within a day or two, everyone knows.

My daughter, who was a junior in high school, would not speak to me. She was horrified and humiliated by my actions. This hurt me more than anything. But, in looking back on my actions, I wish I had done this sooner. Retrospect is very helpful to viewing the overall picture/situation. I was now utterly and emotionally wiped out. My life was as low as it could go (from my perspective, that is).

Off to work the next day I had to ask for some time off so I could go to court to appear before the judge. Telling the people I worked with every day was really hard to do. I had tried for so long to keep everything a secret. Of course, now that the situation had exploded in my face, there was nothing to do but tell the truth. Surprisingly, it was a most freeing experience. People were supportive. Some even confided in me of similar circumstances. NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS.

The next day in court, I walked in to see my husband sitting with his parents, who for whatever their reasons, never liked me (and I don't just mean disliked, but a deep hate that came out constantly through their actions - - never verbal, just the way they treated me). For example on Christmas, my presents were always the same, a box of toilet paper and a dozen or so rolls of paper towels. Sometimes, I even got water filters! ! ! - this I kid you not. And, everyone thought that this was 'normal'. Other got really wonderful presentss. My children always received beautiful clothes or toys. My husband was also given typical christmas gifts, hiking boots, clothes, etc. NOT ME. Another example is Easter, at a large family gathering, all the eggs were decorated with each person's name on one egg. Mine was just a hard-boiled egg with my name. OK, and no one thought this was strange but me????? (check out this article on Organic Portals: http://cassiopaea.org/cass/organic_portals.htm )


Deep down, it is my guess (and a guess only) that they really did not like their son's actions, but could not bring themselves to dislike him and so piled all their guilt and disgust of the situation on me. At this moment in court, I was feeling lower than low. My husband and his family hated me. My daugher hated me. I wasn't sure if I hated myself yet or not. Now, my name was called and I had to go before the judge. Restraining order issued for 1 year. Ok, leave, get out of there.

Back home, I was an emotional mess. So I went for a walk in the woods as my son and I did almost daily with our two dogs. There was a place across the street, high up on the hill where my son and I would finally rest. It was under a huge (I mean huge !) old oak tree. Over time, I came to refer to the tree as 'grandfather tree'. On our walks there, I would hug the tree and acknowledge it's presence. It was a beautiful tree. Sitting underneath, you could see the whole village where I lived. While I sat there on this day and cried and told Grandfather Tree my story, as strange as this will sound, the tree spoke to me. Not in words, but in pictures.

It's hard to explain and sounds kinda whooowhoooo, but within a matter of seconds Grandfather Tree gave me a vision of what had come before, in this same spot/area, with my now husband and in-law family. I was so stunned by this story, that I literally ran home to write it down before I forgot it.

A story that I will share with you on my next visit here. But, since that time, I have come to learn that life is a circle. Not just a circle in this, present lifetime, but a circle period. That we experience the same situations over and over until we learn 'our lesson'. I had just graduated from kindegarten - now on to first grade ! ! !

~ The Mediator

MY LIFE WAS INSANE - AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

So, back to my life. We now lived in a small town. Our home was on a "dead end" street. You knew it was a dead end street due to the really big sign at the entrance to the road. After a time, I came to think of that sign as a 'sign of my life'. There is where I was: at a dead-end. And the future looked so unbearably black and bleak. There were so many days that I woke up and just wished I had died in my sleep to end my misery. Misery that I didn't know where it was coming from. Until I finally woke up to the fact that hubby was a full-blown alcoholic.

And, when I realized this, I was horror filled. How could I not have seen this earlier?? How could I have allowed my family to go through the weekly torture of the constant weekends where I seemed to cry too much - wondering why my husband was always sooooo angry, so unable to accomplish even the most minor task. Well, now I knew why.

Even my sisters knew. They apparently talked about it amongst themselves. Probably looking at me with disgust. But I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW. Although, looking back on my life at the period, I did know - deep down inside - but for whatever reason, I didn't let that knowledge surface. Probably, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Probably also because I didn't have the strength to deal with it. The fear was too overwhelming. What would I have to do if I acknowledged that my life sucked? that hubby was an angry alcoholic? that would mean DOING SOMETHING. And I lived in silent fear for many years. Now I think that most people who live in silent fear are just like I was: AFRAID TO DO SOMETHING. It really is that simple.

My decision to do something was forced upon me - although it was MY decision in the end. It was just another typical night in the household. My husband came home from his weekly night out with the guys drunk as a skunk and began ranting and raving. With the children and I just staring, and the usual terror welling up inside me that he would not stop. He would rage on and on about the most miniscule issue until everyone thought he would 'burst'. Silently I would pray for God, my angels to protect us and to do something to help us. As usual though, God never came through and my angels were apparently also unproductive.

After he fell asleep from his hour long raving, the kids were in bed. I, AGAIN, tortured myself wondering what was wrong with me that he would do this to us. NEVER, did I think that there was something wrong with him. (isn't that really a warped sense of reality). And again, I called my sister crying. I guess this time she had just 'had it' with me. She said that she and her husband were coming over. I pleaded for them not to, but they came.

Discussion ensued about what I needed to do. No, I couldn't do it. Yes, you better, she said. And finally I gave in, reluctantly, my brother-in-law took me to the police station so I could get a restraining order. My sister stayed at the house, to make sure all was ok with the sleeping children. Husband was passed out in the cellar. This was the decision I should have made years ago. Funny how the worst thing at the time, is really the best thing.

SEE: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm

for more information on the insane world we live in.....

(to be continued)
~ The Mediator

PASSPORTS-R-US

Again, a very interesting article I came across on the website SIGNS OF THE TIMES which I find to be one of the best news websites ....... and their website address is (((should you be interested in checking it out))) http://signs-of-the-times.org/signs/signs.htm

Wonder when you'll need to get a passport? Maybe someday you'll even need one just to go to the grocery store. Oops, now our govnmt would't do that to us, would they???

Fascism: Are We There Yet?

Margaret Kimberly
Prison PlanetApril 23 2005

Our government is treating us the way exterminators treat vermin. We are ruled by people who mask evil ideology with the artful use of language, so an advertising slogan is in order.
"Roaches check in, but they don't check out."

The United States government is now proposing that the roach treatment be meted out to American humans who want to visit Canada, Mexico, Panama and Bermuda. These countries currently do not require visiting Americans to have passports.

The United States can't force these nations to change their laws, so they are changing ours. The Department of State is proposing that Americans returning from these countries be required to have passports in order to re- enter the United States. We'll be able to check in, but not check out without letting Uncle Sam know where we have been.

When the President was asked about the new travel proposals he feigned both ignorance and concern:
"When I first read that in the newspaper, about the need to have passports, for particularly the day crossings that take place – about a million, for example in the state of Texas – I said, 'What's going on here?'"

Bush added that finger prints may be used "to serve as a so-called passport for daily traffic." Assuming this statement has any bearing in reality, a big leap to be sure, the President is proposing that we should all be finger printed like criminals. Bush once joked that a dictatorship wouldn't bother him, as long as he was the dictator. His wish has come true.

Not only will Americans require passports to travel everywhere, but beginning in 2007 our passports will have Radio Frequency Identity (RFID) chips embedded inside them. Any RFID reader, not just those used by customs officials, can be used to find all the information contained on a passport. That means our personal information is not secure from identity thieves, kidnappers, terrorists, or nosy individuals. Why would an administration that claims to make us more secure actually make us less so?

"Unfortunately, there is only one possible reason: The administration wants surreptitious access themselves," wrote security technologist Bruce Schneier in the October 4, 2004 International Herald Tribune. "It wants to be able to identify people in crowds. It wants to surreptitiously pick out the Americans, and pick out the foreigners. It wants to do the very thing that it insists, despite demonstrations to the contrary, can't be done."

The story gets even worse. Tom Ridge, former Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, recently became a board member of Savi Technology. Savi supplies RFID technology to the military. Will Savi and Tom Ridge make money from the imminent embedding of RFID chips in our passports? It is as likely as Dick Cheney and Halliburton making money in Iraq. The Bush doctrine of enriching cronies and keeping the population under control is alive and well.

Well, sorry to bring you such depressing news. It seems that wherever you turn
for news these days that this is as good as it gets. Ohmygod!

~ The Mediator

COINTELPRO - PEAK OIL - 911

I'VE HAD a little bit of time to surf around and look at other blogger posts. It's absolutely amazing what is out there. The trick is knowing what is real and what is an illusion.............

Anyway, came across this blogger site that sent me to another site which talked in depth about the September 11th tragedy and the peak oil issue which is being discussed alot lately. I'm not sure where I stand on the peak oil issue, but if you are interested, here are a couple of sites to check:

http://news.bbc.co.uk.1/hi/world/americas/1830500.stm
This article deals with the USgvt planting propaganda and mis-leading stories in the inter-national media. What's up with that????

Also, this is one lady that I love to read. Her blog is:

http://perfectinfidel.blogspot.com

Her last article entitled "David Beckham and Flight 77 in Paris" is extremely thought provoking. So, before I post anymore personal 'stuff', I thought I'd give myself a little break and just post some interesting news.

I've got a busy weekend starting in a couple of hours. I actually love posting something every day - but there are those moments I don't have much time (what mom's do???). So here's some reading........if you're so inclined.

~ The Mediator

Before I Go On ...

This is an article I ran across about psychopaths. Read it and weep, especially if you are employed in Corporate America. Well, actually you can be employed anywhere and find one of these individuals haunting your day-to-day work life. Are you miserable at work???, then read on ........

Is your boss a psychopath? Probably, if we are to believe the results of a new scientific study, says Oliver James
Monday April 18, 2005The Guardian ......

Many years ago I worked for a man who forced a pair of employees who had just ended their relationship to move to adjacent workstations. He did it purely for his amusement. Doubtless everyone has a story of this ilk. But scientific evidence that leaders really are different in their personal pathology from the rest of us has been lacking - until now. Case studies by psychologists have claimed that "successful psychopaths" really exist. These are portrayed as emotionally detached, with superficial charm and an unbounded preparedness to use others, differing only from personality-disordered criminal psychopaths in being law-abiding and less impulsive. Because such reports are ultimately anecdotal, Belinda Board and Katarina Fritzon of Surrey University decided to test whether there was any overlap between the personalities of business managers, psychiatric patients and hospitalised criminals (psychopathic and psychiatrically ill). Their results, published last month, make startling reading.

Board and Fritzon found that three of 11 personality disorders (PDs) were actually commoner in managers than in disturbed criminals. The first was histrionic PD, entailing superficial charm, insincerity, egocentricity and manipulativeness. There was also a higher incidence of narcissism: grandiosity, self-focused lack of empathy for others, exploitativeness and independence. Finally, there was more compulsive PD in the managers, including perfectionism, excessive devotion to work, rigidity, stubbornness and dictatorial tendencies.

So far, so David Brent, and it's easy to see how these characteristics might contribute to office skills. But unlike Brent, these bosses were less likely to have several career-stopping PD traits. They were less prone to physical aggression, irresponsibility and law-breaking (antisocial PD); they had less impulsivity, suicidal gestures and emotional instability (borderlines); and they were less prone to hostility followed by contrition (passive-aggressives). David Brent's possession of several of these traits explain his managerial failure (and if The Office had continued, are why he would have ended up in psychiatric care).

Other studies have revealed, rather surprisingly, that mental ability does not in itself result in success. It has to be combined with exceptional social skills and of these, chameleonism and machiavellianism - common in many PDs - are important. Since such people earn more and go higher than ones without these traits, it supports the idea that many leaders have PDs. But perhaps the most persuasive indirect evidence concerns leaders' deeper motivations.

In almost all the fields where a study has been done, a third of the highest achievers lost a parent before the age of 14 (compared with 8% in the general population). This is true in surveys of prime ministers, US presidents and entrepreneurs. Left high and dry at a young age, they have resolved to snatch hold of their destiny. It suggests adversity is the key to exceptional achievement: it's not that little bit more that drives the powerful, it's that little bit less.

There is also evidence that most PDs are caused by childhood maltreatment rather than genes. Several studies suggest that deprivation of love in infancy creates a potential for the disorder which is more likely to be fulfilled if there is subsequent abuse or neglect. At least half of people with PDs suffered abuse in childhood.

For many high achievers, the pursuit of status is a compensation for feelings of worthlessness and despair caused by early adversity. They want to be recognised by strangers because needs went unrecognised in infancy; want money to feel richer than others because they felt poorer, emotionally, as children; and want to have control over others because they were rendered impotent by parental care. They reveal the chain linking childhood adversity to PD to exceptional success.

Such people seem peculiarly ill-suited to the job of setting the parameters of our everyday lives. Most of us do not like working seven days a week for years on end. We take all the holiday we can. That our political and business bosses are so different - driven, even desperate people, compensating for their distress with workaholia - makes them the very last citizens you would logically select to decide your work-life balance.

A few years ago I chaired a debate between several British business figures, of whom one was Sir Brian Pitman (head of Lloyds TSB for 18 years). Over lunch, he revealed that his father had died before he was old enough to know him. Speaking in the debate, he told us that if we thought the present environment was competitive, we "ain't seen nothing yet". Over the next five years companies would be forced to become far more efficient. The principle of "up or out" would become universal: if you don't do well enough to be promoted, you get fired.

I asked if he was concerned about the increased stress this would cause. To my surprise, he appeared not to have given the idea any consideration. Finally, he commented that "you will never stop progress. Children will always want to outdo their parents".

Of course, for those of us who are never going to get near the top of any organisation, the idea that leaders are several sandwiches short of a picnic is reassuring. While we may like to think of ourselves as their moral superiors, we may also be motivated to look down from this moral high ground out of a mixture of envy, thwarted ambition and dislike for authority.

What's more, while leadership is often a dirty business, someone's got to do it. I don't want to work all the time and you probably don't either. Surely you'd prefer a superefficient workaholic to be representing your interests if the alternative was an easygoing, decent chap who couldn't politic his way out of a paper bag?

But these are not the only options. I visited Denmark last year while writing a book about middle-class affluenza. Interviewing Toeger Seidenfaden, a newspaper editor, I was staggered to hear that he leaves work at 4.30pm. British editors are usually still in the office long after their kids have been put to bed. But Toeger has to collect the kids from school and cook the supper and he claims that only a tiny minority of high-achieving Danes are any different. Working long hours is simply culturally unacceptable.

Quite how we get from our Americanised society to one where top editors knock off at teatime I leave to other, harder-working people to decide. Only of this am I sure: the Danes probably don't have the best lager in the world, but emulating their working practices would do us all a power of good.

Comment: Some psychopaths are born; others are made. To succeed in our dog eat dog world, people must take on the traits of the psychopath. The study cited may show that this is more likely to happen to those, like the leaders mentioned in the article, who faced abuse and a lack of love in childhood.

For more on psychopathy, a domain in which we have been interested for several years, check out our pages on the subject. Also, download and read the book The Mask of Sanity by Hervey Cleckley, one of the key academic texts on the subject, available on our site as a free pdf download.
To understand how psychopaths are made in our society, check our Laura Knight-Jadczyk's article Official Culture.

Great reading, eh?? So, get educated. Knowledge does protect.

~ The Mediator

THE WIFE IS ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW

Yes, it's true. The wife IS always the last to know. And I'm not sure why that is in every case, but in my case there were so many distractions presented to me all at once, that I could not recognize that a bottle of vodka had become my husband's constant companion.

At that time in my life, my dad was dying, my son, who was a 24 hour, round-the-clock bundle of energy (who said that children with Down's Syndrome were like vegetables???), who went to bed after 12 midnight and woke every morning at 5AM pronto.

The preschool 'special needs' integrated classroom that he attended called him HARRY HUDINI (spelling???the great escape artist). He could disappear from a classroom of 12 students and 4 teachers in a heartbeat. That should tell you how much time I had to devote to his care.......it was 24/7. That his father worked alot and came home dog tired (I know now why he fell asleep as soon as he came home......or on those days that he didn't fall asleep, why he was so argumentative - and freaked me out constantly).

The next trauma that hit me squarely in the emotional basket was that the home we lived in with my grandmother (a two family home) was being sold. We lived there for 10 years. It was my HOME. But my wonderful grandmother, whom I adored, and lived with for the last 10 years had passed away without putting anything in writing about our purchasing the home at an agreed upon amount. With rising home sales in the area back in the late 1980's, the house went from $34,000 to over $100,000 in a matter of a couple of years.

I (er, we) could not afford the dramatic cost and were now forced to accept land from my husband's parents and would build a home ON A DEAD END STREET ... we were THE THIRD HOME AT THE END OF THE STREET ... FIRST HOME BELONGED TO MY IN-LAWS (AND THEIR OTHER TWO SONS) NEXT HOME BELONGED TO MY SISTER IN LAW AND HER HUSBAND ... THEN MY HOME. The idea of living alone on a street with people who actively worked to discredit me with my children, who constantly humiliated me in front of my husband (who didn't have the backbone to support me or take the side of me, his wife, during family meetings), was almost more than I could physically bear. I didn't think I would survive the move.

With the panic attacks, my heart being all wacked out, constant fear of dying, isolated from family, friends and society in general (as we now lived out in the woodlands on a dead end street - and me with no car) was more than my physical being could handle.

We moved in when my daugher was 9 years old, and my son was almost 4. Most people who knew my in-laws loved them and thought that I was the luckiest person in the world for being able to live near such wonderful human beings. Of course, I never let on (because who was I, the disgruntled daughter-in-law) that there was no affection from them to me.

I tried to get them to like me. I really tried. But, trying is useless when you are up against a psychopathic http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath3.htm family. And, if you want to know what are the signs/symptoms of a psychopath check this out http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/narcissism/psychopathy_checklist.html .

This article is a checklist of antisocial, personality, sociopathy & psychopathy behaviors. Don't let the last sentence discourage you. If you have a significant other, spouse, child, family member, friend who you just cannot understand, who constantly puts you into uncomfortable situations - always full of drama and possible abuse, PLEASE READ THE ABOVE. This is just a note from someone who found out too late.

But, not late enough to 'change my stars'. And, I did ! ! !

Acupuncture, the BEST thing that Ever Happened To Me

Acupuncture was, for me, a life-saving adventure. By the time I'd gotten in to see Dedee, who was a RN and trained acupuncturist, I was on the verge of becoming agoraphobic. I was terrified of leaving my home, terrified of staying home. The panic attacks had increased tenfold. It took all my energy, each day, to just exist.

What with a young child with a disability, a dad who was dying, a husband that was a full blown alcoholic (of course the wife is always the last to know) and a daughter who was mimicing my symptoms - symptoms which I thought I was hiding (ha, ha, ha !!) I had to solve the riddle of my life.

I had a resting heart rate of about 175 beats per minute. Doctor said I would be dead before I was 40. I was now 37 and thought that his prediction would surely come to fruition (fyi....I am now 57). Told to relax, given tranquillizers by my M.D. After taking them for a week, and loving the calm, mellow-yellow feeling it left me with, I knew these little white pills were bad news for me. I knew if I kept taking them, I'd be addicted forever. So I decided to take my chances. I threw the pills away.

This time, I did bargain with my God. Told him that I was either going to survive whatever was going on within me WITHOUT MEDICATION.......or I would just die. Period. No discussion. No options.

My acupuncturist worked miracles on me. Those magical needles took away so much of my tension, fear, anxiety, rapid heartbeat. But, after approximately 9 months of treatment she told me there wasn't much more she could do for me. I was still having the occasional panic attack. But I could leave the house. My heart only ocasionally took off on me, leaving me with the thought that "this is it, this is the big one".

I even remember several occasions when I was sure I needed to see a doctor right away due to my heart rate and the constant 'skippin' of beats which was truly unsettling. On those occasions, I would drive to the local hospital and sit in my car in the emergency room parking lot. Sometimes I'd sit for hours, mentally debating with myself the pro's and con's of going in. My biggest fear was actually not dying, but having the doctors take away any of my choices about how, when & where I would die. I thought that if I walked into the hospital, I'd never walk out. So, I never walked in.

So, I struggled with my life, wondering what was in store for me. Constantly ,I worked on different ways to get rid of my panic attacks, trying to figure out WHAT was the underlying cause of my physical/emotional problems. I'd soon be turning 40. I couldn't live like this much longer. The weirdest sensation I was having physically (besides the panic attacks), was that one side of my body was vibrating. Yup, just one side - not the other. It was VERY STRANGE. I never told the doctor. How do you explain that when you wake up in the morning one side of your body was shaking, like jello???

During this time, my son was growing up relatlively healthy, my daughter's stomach aches were now gone. My dad was still alive. My in-laws hated me (why, I'd never learn). But the worse was yet to be presented to me. AND, I still didn't know, hadn't recognized, that a bottle of Vodka was my husband's constant companion. Nor had I ever read anything about psychopaths.

OK, I somehow, in my search for personal healing found the New Age Movement. And, with this new information, I learned to chant, to do all kinds of healing rituals, I even was an apprentice to a woman who was (what I thought at the time) an amazing healer. My sisters, mom, dad, husband, thought I'd gone off the deep end with my talk of angels and aliens (I don't even remember which was more important to me .... angels or aliens!).

Even with all my new found information on how to 'change your reality', how- to improve your life, healing your psychic wounds, etc., my life got worse and worse. At 5'9" tall, I only weighed 116 lbs. I was not slim, I was downright skinny. I could not eat much of anything. Even drinking water gave me indigestion. Well, of course after doing all my healing work and when nothing in my life changed, I thought that I wasn't special, or blessed, or was doing the rituals wrong, or didn't believe hard enough, or..............or.............or. My excuses for my life not working just went on and on. And during all this time, I could not see myself clear of all the muck I was stuck in.

Fortunately, my life got so bad at this point, I almost didn't make it out alive. Well, almost.

~ The Mediator
(to be continued)

What Would You Do ?

Bringing baby home, I had no guidelines. Leaving the hospital all the doctor said to me was "Take him home and love him." OK, so I was home, what next??

My pediatrician (who I actually liked ..... as most doctors and I didn't get along much) told me to be sure to bring him to the office at the first sign of illness. Ok, that spooked me. What was I supposed to be looking for here?? So, I devised a plan of wellness...(when I wasn't crying).

Since I had, what is called, a 'rebounder' (or today, you call them mini-trampolines), I would spend hours with my son in my arms, bouncing gently on the rebounder, singing to him. Supposedly the action of Acelleration/Decelleration, going up and down, was to make the cells in your body stronger - not make your body physically strong, but was healing on the cells of the body. So we did this alot.

Nursing my son was also my plan for his good health. Little did I know that chances of success were next to zero ... due to the fact that babies with Downs have low muscle tone and it is hard for them to latch on/suck. But, being ignorant of the fact, I nursed him for 12 months. Then, one day, he just refused the breast. My job was done.

On his first birthday, we celebrated! We had survived, my son, me, and my family. Although, with so much attention being paid to my little boy, I was totally missing what was going on around me. Something was dreadfully wrong, but I could not, for the life of me, figure out what.

Sure, it was a tough 12 months. I had released alot of sadness (or so I thought). But, my father was slowly dying. My husband was distant and angry. And, I began having panic attacks. I knew what panic attacks were, I had had them before, now and then. But, these were scary.......coming at the most unusual times for me - while driving - walking my daughter to school - walking in the back yard - all the time. My body and mind were spinning out-of-control and I thought I was going to die, literally.

For the most part, I reasoned that I was under a terrible strain. Caring for the family, especially my son, was a 24 hour a day job. Worrying about my dad. Wondering what was going on with hubby. What was happening to me. I worried now 24/7. This was definitely NOT a life. This was barely an existence.

Then my daughter, who was now 6, started not wanting to go to school. She was having stomach aches every day and told me she was worried that I was 'going to disappear'. What I know now, that I didn't realize then, was she naturally picked up on my anxiety/fear of death. But, instead of trying to fix myself, I was now additionally worrying about my daughter and her stomach aches, fear of school, separation anxiety. How can I fix her? Turned out that her pediatrician did both of us a favor - unknowingly. He refused to treat her stomach problems and told me she needed to see a counselor. Well, what gives with that?? So I searched the yellow pages for someone for HER to talk to. Accidentally, I came across a name of a women who did acupuncture - right in my own home town. And, I called her and made an appointment for myself. This was the best thing I ever did! ! !

I'm not sure why I'm writing this down. It seems rather strangely disconnected from my life today. But we all have to travel on our own journeys. Sometimes we travel alone, sometimes we have the company of others. Regardless it is OUR JOURNEY, each one of us.

Soon, I will get to introduce you to the psychopaths in my life. But it's going to take a few more paragraphs to get there.

~ The Mediator

Life With The Disabled .....

As a woman, and a mother of a son who was born with a disability (something I don't like to talk about much), my heart goes out to anyone of similar circumstance. Whether the disability be physical, mental, emotional, a result of birth, of accident none of it matters. Only the present moment matters.

Remembering the day my son was born, I was terribly excited because I already had a daughter and this was just 'perfect'. Now I had a girl and a boy. How wonderful ! My family came and they all ooh'd and aah'd over the new baby. So did I. During the doctor's rounds the next day, he came in and sat on my bed and told me that there might (he did say MIGHT) be a problem and that they'd like to do a blood test. For whatever reason, and maybe it just was from exhaustion, I said ok and didn't give it another thought. My son looked perfect to me. But there was something that didn't seem right. Something I couldn't put my finger on but must have instinctively known.

When the test were back that afternoon (wow, that was quick) the doctor came in again and told me I should call my husband, that he should be here when I was told the results of the test. Brave me, I said that I was ok and the doctor could just tell me now. Well, he did. But it just didn't register until he left my room. What was it he said, that my son was born with Down's Syndrome (Trisomy 21) - an extra chromosome. Shouldn't that make him better than the rest of us. Maybe he should be exceptional. No, No, No......I was told to take him home and love him. That maybe (MAYBE) he would walk and talk and grow up. Holy crap.....what did I give birth to????? How can this be?????

Well, took him home I did. Although he was very jaundiced and we were right back at the hospital one day later - this time to the neo-natal intensive care unit. His jaundice was very, very serious. A blood 'washing' might be in order and that was very, very serious. He could possibly die.

I remember the ride back to the hospital. My husband was very upset and praying out loud that god should help my (our) son live. All I remember doing was feeling very confused. I don't remember praying. I don't remember feeling anything at the time. Thinking back on that moment, I wonder what was wrong with me not to be bargaining with god to save my son at all cost. But I didn't. I actually didn't know if I was up to the task of handling such a future.

24 Hours later, my son was out of danger. His jaundice was disappearing. He would be going home in a couple of days. OK, that's when my mothering instinct seemed to kick into high gear. Well, if I was going to have a child that was labeled mentally retarded/disabled, I was going to figure out a way to give him every opportunity to live the 'best life' he would be able to.

He came home with me two days later. My daughter was in kindergarten at the time and I remember clearly taking her into school and talking to the teacher, explaining about her brother. That afternoon, I got a note from the teacher telling me that she was so proud of her new brother, she went around the classroom asking every student: "My brother has Down's Syndrome, what does yours have"? It was a bitter-sweet, new beginning.

....to be continued
~ The Mediator

Heartwrenching Decisions ......

I'm currently grieving for the death of Pope John Paul II. Why I feel such sadness and have an abundance of emotion due to his passing has been weighing on my mind all day. I have some theories about why I am so sad and wanted to wait a bit longer to write about it, but I just can't wait. Something inside of me wants me to write and express my feelings (which I hope I will do to the best of my ability).

When I was much younger I loved to write. But over the years, with 'adulthood', marriage, children, work, home, on and on, there didn't seem to be much time and now, I'm trying to jump start what I so used to enjoy doing.

Anyway, back to the emotions I am feeling........The death of Terri Schiavo hit me in a very strange way. During all the public debate I pretty much vascillated back and forth on the issue of whether or not the feeding tube needed to be re-inserted. Listening to 'talk radio' and the news coverage of each passing day, I would think I had formed an opinion on what should happen to Terri, then the next day, with the presentation of each medical expert or family friend stating their opinions and expert comments, I would suddenly find myself switching sides. Eventually I didn't know what to think. But, something about her case didn't seem right, but I could not put my finger on it. It smelled fishy.

I can still remember my Nana's passing. She had a stroke when she was 84 years old. This was 25 years ago. I remember clearly, my dad fighting with the doctor to remove the feeding tube they placed in her. Nana had one side of her body paralized. But with her good hand and arm, she would manage to pull out the feeding tube and write over and over with her good hand that she wanted to die. Eventually the feeding tube did come out. WHAT I REMEMBER MOST CLEARLY WAS THAT SHE WAS GIVEN LIQUIDS - WATER. AND WHEN THE END WAS NEAR AND SHE COULD NOT SWALLOW FAMILY MEMBERS WERE CONSTANTLY WETTING HER MOUTH AND LIPS. She only survived for 6 days after the feeding tube was removed. Her passing was not traumatic. Actually, the day before she died, she wanted her hair and nails done (go figure! !), and they were.

I cannot understand why Terri Schiavo was NOT GIVEN WATER? Having been trained as a Hospice Volunteer I have seen and experienced hospice care. Hospice is the most respectful, gentle and compassionate care of a dying individual. Therefore, what Terri Schiavo possibly experienced doesn't make any sense to me, especially if she was in a Hospice facility.

Just after Terri's passing, I came across a website (another blogger's site) http://steelmagnolia.blogsome.com/. Much of what I read on this blog rang true to me - it was a side of the story about Terri that I had not considered, never mind ever heard mentioned in all the news coverage. Might be worth a read..........

Well, as I started out talking about why I have been hit so hard emotionally with the passing of these two souls, is that I have a child who was born with a disability. From first hand experience, I know how hard it is to be a caregiver of someone full time .... 24/7. I have been doing this for the last 20 years. You pretty much go through a wide range of emotions during such times. There can be sadness, grief, anger, rage, self-piety, resentment......and also happiness to the extreme. Talking about it can help a little. Getting together with other of similar experience can help a little. At least that has been my experience. If you're lucky, you have supportive family. But in many cases of long-term disaibility and depending on circumstances, family support can grow thin and infrequent.

There is much more I would like to say on the subject. All my own personal experience. But I'm tired and just thinking about this subject fills me with so many thoughts that I'd like to express, I tend to become overwhelmed with words and sentences jamming my head.

So for tonight, I will live my story here. (to be continued)

My Dream ... Others Laugh

Have you ever, in all your life, had a dream that was so persistent, so consuming, that you thought about it every day. I have.

For the last 20 years or so ... give or take since I'm in my 50's ... I've had a dream to raise chickens and llamas and live in a stone house. I have investigated possibilities, read about the difficulties and imagined the work/fun it would be to create my dream. Finally, I have started along the path to my dream. Whether or not I fulfill my dream is not important. Whether or not I take steps to create my dream is now what is most important to me.

Let me start with the idea of raising Chickens. I have had chickens before. Only six of them, and we named them after the characters in the Popeye cartoon. There was Popeye, Olive Oyle, Sweet Pea, Bluto, Wimpy and I can't remember the other one (ugh). They were sweet beings that gave us eggs and talked to me every morning when I brought them their food. I felt like the Pied Piper because they would follow me around, as soon as I opened their pen. This is when they began their days work. They ate the bugs in the yard. The scratched the grass out from around the shrubs, trees and porch - keeping the area clean when I could not get to mow it. All this yard work on their part helped them to create wonderful eggs for our consumption. They were big and beautifully golden yoked eggs. We got more than we could use (as a family of four) and gave them to friends and family. This was a wonderful relationship. For my part, I kept their pen clean. Kept them safe from predators and gave them treats, such as corn and strawberries. They loved both these and would make sweet cackling noises when given them. I miss them. For their part, they ate the bugs & tics so I never had to worry about my dogs or the kids, and gave us delicious eggs.

On to Llamas ..... I knew nothing of them until about 10 years ago when a friend and I went to a Llama Bazaar. What a hoot!! We got to see all kinds of llamas, took some of them for walks, saw the products they produced from their coats of thick hair, discovered lots about how they lived and worked. We got to take a ride in a pony cart pulled by a Llama, found them to be friendly, hardy beings who could tolerate extreme heat and/or cold and were happy with a shelter of only a lean two. Their 'dung' does not draw flies and is excellent manure for gardens, etc. AND, if you have more than one llama, they poop in one spot, a communal dung pile, as they call it. Plus, you can (and some people actually do) take them to nursing homes and schools for positive interactions between them and those who do not often get to see animals up close and personal ! !

Stone Houses...........I love them. Don't know why. But I recently found out that my parents, when they were first married were searching for a home to purchase and they had focused solely on homes with a stone exterior. No, I wasn't born yet. And no, I have never lived in a stone house. But have desired one ever since I was first contemplating living in my own home.

Well the above is my 'dream'. Most family members have, over the years, laughed at my dream. I never understood that and, as a result, I have never laughed at my childrens dreams they would relate to me as they grew up.

But it seems things are slowly changing. One of my sisters has confided in me that she and her husband are looking at land up in Maine - high up in the middle of nowhere. This is their dream that they've never shared with anyone, living in Maine. Aha! ! So, there are closet dreamers out there, I've discovered ! !

Any of you have a dream? And, what are you doing about it. Don't give up. This is one phrase I love to quote: "It's not the destination, but the journey." Finally, I'm enjoying my journey.

~ The Mediator

ps. One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to add links to my blog.

STRANGE MOMENTS IN MY LIFE

Most people have experience strange moments in their lives. I'm no exception - - with the exception of my own strange moments.

One example: In my younger days, I was dating a similar younger man who lived not too far from my home. As it happened, this was only our third date. I had two cats that I adored. He, apparently, was allergic to cats. And, while at my home, had an asthma attack ! The attack was not so severe that he had to go to a hospital, but he could not drive, so I thought it polite to drive him home. I drove his car back to my home and he would pick it up the next day.

So, I got him home. He seemed much better and could breathe easily. I left. But.........as I drove down this long, long, hill to the main road..........there was this bright orange light shining above the car. Now mind you, I was in the woods. Hills on both sides of this long, long road. I looked out my window and all I could see covering the sky was this bright orange light. I remember commenting "Wow!". Next thing I knew, I was about one mile from my home. The car had died on the side of the road. And I had to walk home. It was midnight. I was very confused as to what had happened. This was one of my strange moments. I have never forgotten that light, nor that night. Go figure.....

Another example: It was my wedding day. I had been dating this man (the one above) for two+ years and we decided at the end of May to get married at the end of June. The only reason for this was that our work schedules didn't permit a wedding until possibly September. We both opted for June. And, amazingly in one month we got married. ((no, I didn't have to GET married! !)). We had a church wedding, a reception in a hall with a band. I sent out invitations and also had a wedding shower ((we did this all in one month's time.....something that when I think back on it, doesn't make sense - - but somehow the wind was at our backs and in 4 weeks we created a wedding)).

Well, the day of the wedding I was getting ready. Not too nervous. I have a video of me getting ready and joking with my sisters. The wedding was rather small, 100 people. I had one sister as maid of honor and my husband-to-be had his brother as best man. It was all just perfectly ok. During the church (catholic) ceremony, something VERY STRANGE happened. And, this, I have only told a handful of people because it makes NO SENSE to me........something extraordinarily strange came over me. After the ceremony, and after the reception, my now husband and I left for our honeymoon . There is no 'sane' way to explain what happened during the ceremony except to say that this man was not the same man I had fallen in love with. He looked the same, but the feeling surrounding him didn't feel the same. Whatever that means, it is the only way I can explain it.

I didn't want to be alone with him. Couldln't stand to look at him. So, what was wrong with me?? I mean I went from being crazy mad in love with this man, to not even feeling like I knew him. How can something like this happen? There was not ulterior motive in my wanting to marry him. I was extremely attracted to him and terribly in love with him. We had even shared our dreams of the future with each other - and 9 out of 10 of our dreams were a match. But this all changed during the wedding ceremony. I walked into the church in love and I walked out feeling like I was entering into a bad dream. He felt like a stranger. So, for the next number of years I beat myself up thinking there was something terribly wrong with me, trying to fix "whatever". And, I was never, ever, able to fix "whatever" that was.

Being somewhat emotionally removed from the above, I still don't understand those strange moments. I have thought about them over and over until I have looked at the situations from many different angles and cannot figure out what they were or what they mean. It's a mystery. Like the world we live in. Nothing is exactly as it appears.

My dream is to someday fully understand those strange moments that have occurred. Actually, there are more moments that I haven't yet figured out. Maybe I'm not supposed to ..... yet.

~ The Mediator