MY LIFE WAS INSANE - AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

So, back to my life. We now lived in a small town. Our home was on a "dead end" street. You knew it was a dead end street due to the really big sign at the entrance to the road. After a time, I came to think of that sign as a 'sign of my life'. There is where I was: at a dead-end. And the future looked so unbearably black and bleak. There were so many days that I woke up and just wished I had died in my sleep to end my misery. Misery that I didn't know where it was coming from. Until I finally woke up to the fact that hubby was a full-blown alcoholic.

And, when I realized this, I was horror filled. How could I not have seen this earlier?? How could I have allowed my family to go through the weekly torture of the constant weekends where I seemed to cry too much - wondering why my husband was always sooooo angry, so unable to accomplish even the most minor task. Well, now I knew why.

Even my sisters knew. They apparently talked about it amongst themselves. Probably looking at me with disgust. But I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW. Although, looking back on my life at the period, I did know - deep down inside - but for whatever reason, I didn't let that knowledge surface. Probably, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Probably also because I didn't have the strength to deal with it. The fear was too overwhelming. What would I have to do if I acknowledged that my life sucked? that hubby was an angry alcoholic? that would mean DOING SOMETHING. And I lived in silent fear for many years. Now I think that most people who live in silent fear are just like I was: AFRAID TO DO SOMETHING. It really is that simple.

My decision to do something was forced upon me - although it was MY decision in the end. It was just another typical night in the household. My husband came home from his weekly night out with the guys drunk as a skunk and began ranting and raving. With the children and I just staring, and the usual terror welling up inside me that he would not stop. He would rage on and on about the most miniscule issue until everyone thought he would 'burst'. Silently I would pray for God, my angels to protect us and to do something to help us. As usual though, God never came through and my angels were apparently also unproductive.

After he fell asleep from his hour long raving, the kids were in bed. I, AGAIN, tortured myself wondering what was wrong with me that he would do this to us. NEVER, did I think that there was something wrong with him. (isn't that really a warped sense of reality). And again, I called my sister crying. I guess this time she had just 'had it' with me. She said that she and her husband were coming over. I pleaded for them not to, but they came.

Discussion ensued about what I needed to do. No, I couldn't do it. Yes, you better, she said. And finally I gave in, reluctantly, my brother-in-law took me to the police station so I could get a restraining order. My sister stayed at the house, to make sure all was ok with the sleeping children. Husband was passed out in the cellar. This was the decision I should have made years ago. Funny how the worst thing at the time, is really the best thing.

SEE: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm

for more information on the insane world we live in.....

(to be continued)
~ The Mediator