What Would You Do ?

Bringing baby home, I had no guidelines. Leaving the hospital all the doctor said to me was "Take him home and love him." OK, so I was home, what next??

My pediatrician (who I actually liked ..... as most doctors and I didn't get along much) told me to be sure to bring him to the office at the first sign of illness. Ok, that spooked me. What was I supposed to be looking for here?? So, I devised a plan of wellness...(when I wasn't crying).

Since I had, what is called, a 'rebounder' (or today, you call them mini-trampolines), I would spend hours with my son in my arms, bouncing gently on the rebounder, singing to him. Supposedly the action of Acelleration/Decelleration, going up and down, was to make the cells in your body stronger - not make your body physically strong, but was healing on the cells of the body. So we did this alot.

Nursing my son was also my plan for his good health. Little did I know that chances of success were next to zero ... due to the fact that babies with Downs have low muscle tone and it is hard for them to latch on/suck. But, being ignorant of the fact, I nursed him for 12 months. Then, one day, he just refused the breast. My job was done.

On his first birthday, we celebrated! We had survived, my son, me, and my family. Although, with so much attention being paid to my little boy, I was totally missing what was going on around me. Something was dreadfully wrong, but I could not, for the life of me, figure out what.

Sure, it was a tough 12 months. I had released alot of sadness (or so I thought). But, my father was slowly dying. My husband was distant and angry. And, I began having panic attacks. I knew what panic attacks were, I had had them before, now and then. But, these were scary.......coming at the most unusual times for me - while driving - walking my daughter to school - walking in the back yard - all the time. My body and mind were spinning out-of-control and I thought I was going to die, literally.

For the most part, I reasoned that I was under a terrible strain. Caring for the family, especially my son, was a 24 hour a day job. Worrying about my dad. Wondering what was going on with hubby. What was happening to me. I worried now 24/7. This was definitely NOT a life. This was barely an existence.

Then my daughter, who was now 6, started not wanting to go to school. She was having stomach aches every day and told me she was worried that I was 'going to disappear'. What I know now, that I didn't realize then, was she naturally picked up on my anxiety/fear of death. But, instead of trying to fix myself, I was now additionally worrying about my daughter and her stomach aches, fear of school, separation anxiety. How can I fix her? Turned out that her pediatrician did both of us a favor - unknowingly. He refused to treat her stomach problems and told me she needed to see a counselor. Well, what gives with that?? So I searched the yellow pages for someone for HER to talk to. Accidentally, I came across a name of a women who did acupuncture - right in my own home town. And, I called her and made an appointment for myself. This was the best thing I ever did! ! !

I'm not sure why I'm writing this down. It seems rather strangely disconnected from my life today. But we all have to travel on our own journeys. Sometimes we travel alone, sometimes we have the company of others. Regardless it is OUR JOURNEY, each one of us.

Soon, I will get to introduce you to the psychopaths in my life. But it's going to take a few more paragraphs to get there.

~ The Mediator