I AM ALONE

It's been a month since I've written anything on my blog. The last 4 weeks have been strange, in that I've had emotions and reactions that are new to me and I have been struggling to understand what is happening within me.

Truth is, during the last month I have moved from a home that I truly loved to a small apartment that, in time, I am sure I will also love. The move was physically exhausting. Also, it was emotionally draining ... as I seemed to cry almost constantly. Even as I write this I am welling up with tears and strong emotion that just doesn't seem to go away.

After the move, I physically felt like I was a person 'frozen in time'. For some unknown reason all I found myself doing was re-arranging furniture in the apartment, eating, sleeping, watching tv and going to work. THATS IT!! Pretty much, I had no desire to even turn on the computer and read from some of my favorite news sites - http://signs-of-the-times.org/signs/signs.htm although I managed to find the time to do so.

I don't know, maybe it is the cold of the ever-so-long lasting winter her in New England. I do crave seeing trees in bloom and green grass with flowers. Color - i crave color. I also miss nature. There's not much of that here in the city (small city at that), with the exception of pidgeons flying by my window constantly. Actually that's something I've learned to enjoy....wondering about their flight patterns and what makes them circle and circle before disappearing (well, this shows you how bored I am living here, huh).

What I have discovered today, at least in part, is that I have now realized how alone I am. Not just that I don't have a mate, husband, companion, someone to lean on, (and no, I am not looking for one of the above) but on a deep universal level I AM ALONE. And, that has shaken my world. That, combined with the trauma of the move, has left me depressed and ill at east with my realization.

Slowly, I seem to be coming out of my 'frozenness'. I have tried twice to write on this blog and left the computer angry, with no thoughts coming out of me. But my thoughts now slowly seem to be melting and flowing again.

Here I sit at the keyboard crying. And, that is a good thing, in my opinion as I haven't cried since I moved in here. So I must be melting!!

Well, I think I'll go put on some sad songs and really have a good cry. Let the dam burst, so to speak. This may sound strange, but I'm actually happy that I'm sad.

~ The Mediator